Teen Titans Christmas Dinner
by Darien Ravier
Summary: When Cyborg's Christmas dinner is ruined, Beast Boy comes to the rescue and offers to cook dinner. But can he cook anything past tofu?
1. Default Chapter

(We open with Starfire flying around the living room with a excited smile on her face and holding something behind her back.)  
Starfire: Robin. Oh, Robin. I am searching for your whereabouts.  
(Cyborg and Beast Boy are playing a video game)  
Cyborg: Yeah-he-heah! Mutant Monster Truck Demolition Derby, it's the best gift ever!  
Beast Boy: Yeah, now there's a whole new game for me to whip your butt at.  
Cyborg: Not so fast, you little snot rag. Oh, yeah, I got the homing missles. Cram that up your stocking, Blitzen!  
Beast Boy: No fair! Hey, stop shooting...stop...will you at least let me turn around?!  
(Raven is standing in the kitchen)  
Raven: I suppose you nitwits forgot that you were actually cooking something in here.  
Beast Boy: We didn't forget.  
Cyborg: Yeah, that's why we asked you to watch it cook.  
Raven: Oh, I watched it cook alright. Then I watched it brown, then I watched it smolder, now I'm watching it catch on fire.   
(Smoke rises from the oven)  
Cyborg: My Christmas Ham!   
(Cyborg runs into the kitchen. Beast Boy takes the opportunity to win at Cyborg's unmaned video game.)  
Cyborg: Oh, it's ruined. There goes the Titans' first Christmas dinner.  
Beast Boy: No problem, dude. I'll just whip something up real fast for you guys.   
Cyborg: Hold up, you're not talking about that tofu crap you made for us last month, are you?  
Raven: I hope not, the last thing I want for Christmas is bean extract.  
Beast Boy: Dude, I'm just trying to do something nice for you guys, will you at least let me cook a good dinner for everyone tonight? Please?  
Cyborg: Fine, what harm could it do?  
Raven: Remember his attempt to substitute the Bacon in our BLT's with Airheads?  
Cyborg: Oh, yeah, I still have the aftertaste on that monstrosity.  
Beast Boy: If you two are done making fun of me, will one of you get the cooking sheet for me?  
Raven: Where is it?  
Beast Boy: It's in the closet.   
(Raven opens the closet to reveal Robin. They both scream. Raven uses her powers to slam to door shut on Robin's nose.)  
Raven: Robin, is that you?  
Robin: Yef, iz me.  
(Raven opens the door to reveal Robin holding his nose.  
Raven: What are you doing in here?  
Robin: Hibing prum Parliar.  
Cyborg: Who you calling a liar?  
Robin: Hibing prum Parliar!  
Beast Boy: What?  
(Raven waves her hand in front of Robin's nose, fixing it.)  
Robin: Ah, thanks, Ray. I said, I'm hiding from Starfire.  
Cyborg: What? Why?   
Robin: Because, she's discovered the significance that Mistletoe has on Christmas.  
Raven: And that makes you scared why?  
Robin: Because the day before she found that out, she found out what a hickey was.  
Raven: Again, I ask, what are you so afraid of?   
Robin: Another one of these.  
(Robin pulls the cape off of his shoulder to reveal a seriously deformed red mark that makes the other Titans wince in horror as it throbs freakishly on his shoulder.)   
Robin: Yeah, and I'll be covered with more of those if she finds me.  
Starfire: Robin? Robin?  
(Robin panics, tosses the cooking sheet at Raven and holding his finger to his mouth to keep the other Titans quiet as he closes the door.)  
Starfire: Oh, hello, Raven. You would not, by any chance, happen to have seen Robin lately, have you?  
Raven: Why do you ask?  
Starfire: Because of this wonderful branch that I have discovered. If you hold it over someone's head, then they must kiss you. I am looking to hold this over Robin's head all night.  
Cyborg: I think I saw him by the gym downstairs.  
Starfire: Oh, thank you, Cyborg. Do not wait up for us.  
Beast Boy: Don't go too far, I'm making us a special Christmas dinner tonight.  
Starfire: Oh, if it is more of that "tofu" that you enjoy ingesting, then I must remind you of the last time I had this "tofu."  
Beast Boy: Just trust me, Star, this will be a dinner you'll never forget.  
Raven: Why does that sound so ominous?

Soon, I will follow up with Part II: The Feast of Many Indigestions


	2. The Feast of Many Indigestions

Okay, everybody, get ready for part II. I hope you all enjoy it and had a truly great Christmas.

(The Titans are all sitting down to a Christmas dinner)  
Raven: I smell tofu.  
Robin: Stop it.  
Cyborg: Man, I tell you, if I have to eat a tofu anything...  
Robin: Look, Beast Boy took the time out to cook for all of us this Christmas and the least we can do for him is show him the respect and eat the dinner he made for us.  
Cyborg: Fine.  
Robin: And finish it.   
Cyborg: That's just cruel, man.  
(Starfire enters the room, still holding the mistletoe in hand)  
Starfire: Robin, heh-heh, you are here and not in the gymnasium.  
Robin: Uh, yeah, Starfire, we're, um, we're all about to sit down to dinner.  
Starfire: That smell, it is like the belveen of a Sanruzian Noglaar.  
Raven: That's one way to put it.  
Cyborg: Yeah, I'd say that it smells more like...  
Beast Boy: Dinner is served!  
(Beast Boy appears with eight tentacles, each holding a different platter, which he places on the table in front of the Titans. The tentacles then remove the covers to reveal the food. The Titans recoil in terror.)  
Beast Boy: It's a tofu turkey. I saw it made on this TV show once and I just happen to know how to mold it just right.  
Raven: It looks almost real.  
Beast Boy: And for entrees, we have steamed cabbage, broiled broccoli, and to drink: Gazpacho!  
Raven: All the vegetables and none of the fun.  
Cyborg: Wait a minute, isn't a yam a vegetable? Why couldn't we have that?  
Beast Boy: We were out of yams.  
Cyborg: (to himself) And I'm running out of patience.  
Raven: You okay, Robin?  
Robin: Yeah, the smell, it's just...wow.  
Starfire: Agreed, the smell of that boiled bird-like substance is most appetizing.  
Cyborg: You can't be serious.  
Starfire: Oh, I most certainly am. It really...gets my blood boiling. Does it not do the same for you, Robin?  
Robin: Uh, yeah, hey, cut me a piece of turkey off, Beast Boy.  
Beast Boy: Oh, you don't cut this turkey, you scoop it.  
(Beast Boy hands Robin a serving spoon.)  
Beast Boy: You may do the honors.  
Robin: Goody.  
(Robin serves all of the Titans and then himself. Raven takes a bite.)  
Beast Boy: What do you think, Rae?  
(The arm of Raven's chair turns black and coils up.)  
Raven: Squishy.  
Beast Boy: Go ahead, Cy, see how the master chef prepares his tofu.   
Cyborg: Is there really any right way?  
Beast Boy: You tell me.  
(Cyborg takes a bite.)  
Beast Boy: Well?  
Cyborg: Words fail me.  
Beast Boy: Told you.  
Robin: Come on, you two, we're supposed to be heroes, we've got to be braver than this.  
(Robin takes a bite, which makes his eyes grow wide an his spine shiver.)   
Cyborg: Isn't it great how it just wiggles down your throat?   
Robin: Excuse me, I'll be back.  
Cyborg: Where you going, mister super-brave hero?  
Robin: Just going to use the bathroom.   
Starfire: I shall accompany you. I am also feeling the floating of my teeth.  
(Robin looks at Starfire, who is seductively holding the mistletoe in her hand.)  
Robin: On second thought, I'll just wait it out here.  
Starfire: Are you sure? Maybe this lovely gelatinous substance may change your mind.  
(Starfire takes a bite and seductively looks at Robin, who is beginning to sway back and forth in his chair.)  
Raven (to Beast Boy): I don't think it was such a good idea to give her tofu.  
Beast Boy: And just why not?   
Raven: Don't you remember what happened last time? She began violently making out with the nearest man in sight.  
Cyborg: That's why the poor girl isn't allowed back at the park. That statue will never be the same.  
Raven: Tofu must be like an aphrodisiac for her people. Just thought I should remind you, you knuckle-dragging tree-hugger.  
(The window behind Raven shatters.)   
Beast Boy: Hey, at least Cyborg hasn't had any complaints.   
Cyborg: Yep, can't complain.  
(Cyborg takes another bite and forcefully swallows it. The left side of his shoulder begins glowing purple instead of blue.)  
Beast Boy: Hey, you okay?  
Cyborg: Oh, fine, I'm just fine, it's...Laid back, with my mind on my money and my money on my mind.  
Beast Boy: Come again?  
Cyborg: I'm sorry, I just...don't push me cause I'm close to the edge, I'm trying not to lose my head, huh-huh, huh-huh.  
Beast Boy: Any reason you felt the nerve to be kickin' it old school, Cy?  
Raven: Shut up, you two, I'm trying to eat.  
Beast Boy: And what's your deal?   
Raven: I'm fine. Just fine.  
Cyborg: Don't think she is, my sensors are picking up that her blood sugar is dropping.  
Beast Boy: What? here, Raven, eat some more food.  
Raven: Brilliant deduction, seaweed for brains.  
(Raven takes a bite of the cooked cabbage and winces as the refrigerator behind her folds up into a crumpled ball, then crashes to the floor.)  
Starfire: Mmm, all finished. Lovely meal, BB.  
Beast Boy: Thanks, at least someone appreciates it.  
Starfire: Would you like me to show you how appreciative I am?  
Beast Boy: Um, that's okay, Star, you can sit down now.  
Starfire: Oh, but, please, I must show you.  
Robin: Hey, you two, I'm standing right here.  
Beast Boy: You're actually just sitting there. Actually, you're more swaying there. No, I'd say you're about pass out on the floor.  
Robin: You stay away from her or I'll, I'll...  
(Robin burps loudly, then collapses in his chair. Starfire flies over to him.)  
Starfire: Oh, Robin, you do not look well. Come, let me take you to the bathroom.  
(Robin lets out a fart.)  
Starfire: You say the most flattering things, I really must get you out of here.  
(Starfire places her hand on Robin's neck, reminding him where the giantly deformed hickey she gave him was.)  
Starfire: There is more where that came from.   
(Robin breaks free from Starfire, then slumps back into his chair.)  
Starfire: Robin, you do not wish to join me in solitude?   
Robin: I'm okay, I just need to...  
(Robin slaps the fork off of the table.)  
Raven: Will you knock it off, I need to concentrate here.  
Beast Boy: Hey, it's just dinner, it's not meditation.  
Cyborg: Have you ever went over a friends house to eat and the food just ain't no good? I mean the macaroni's soggy the peas are mushed and the chicken tastes like wood.  
Raven: Knock it off!  
(A giant tear rips through the wall behind Raven.)  
Beast Boy: Okay, for everyone's safety, no one stand behind Raven.  
Raven: Stop teasing me!  
Starfire: Robin has passed out. I must now administer mouth to mouth.  
Robin: No!  
Starfire: Success, Robin is alive again. Let's get you to your room.  
Robin: Please, Starfire, you need to calm down.  
Starfire: But, Robin, I have all of these feelings in me, I have to...  
Robin: Starfire, it's just the tofu talking. You'll feel differently tomorrow.  
Starfire: Robin, I need you now!  
Cyborg: Oh baby, I wanna get wit'cha and take your picture. My homeboys tried to warn me but with that butt you got makes me feel so horny  
(Robin throws up on Starfire and passes out on the floor. Starfire screams.)  
Raven: SHUT UP!!!   
(Black encompasses the table and then explodes. When the dust clears, Raven is raiding the pantry for any kind of food, Robin is still passed out in his own vomit, Starfire is standing in a state of shock as Cyborg is in the background, doing a James Brown shuffle out the door.)  
Cyborg: I heard she moved real far away. That was two years ago this May. I seen her just the other day. Jockin' Mike D. to my dismay.  
(Beast Boy looks at the carnage around him.)  
Beast Boy: So, who wants to help me clean up?


End file.
